Taking the Easy Path….

Many of you know how hard I have worked and continuing to work on my campaign. What none of you know is how freaked out I am about all of this.  For the longest time I could walk into a clothing store, pull sometime off the rack & just know by looking at it, if it would work.  There is a comfort to knowing your body so well that you don’t need to try anything on.

At a size 18 I knew that I was wonderful. Smart, funny and Dead Sexy……Men wanted me and women wanted to be me. I was a Big, Beautiful, Brown girl and the world was my oyster. Now I’m kinda having an identity crisis. I haven’t forgotten that I’m Jenn Passmore BRONZE GODDESS. It’s that I’m no longer a ‘Big Girl.’  I no longer belong to that club, BBW.  It was a fantastic being a member. The world has just started opening up for plus size ladies, we have our own boutiques, our own magazines, role models who celebrated our healthy bodies, and all the curves and swerves that went with it.  Not to mention there is a healthy following of smart, good looking successful men who like a chunky girl, REALLY!!! Plus size porn is a multi-million dollar genre.  Beyond that there is a special camaraderie between us girls. A true sisterhood, we all know the struggle of trying to find basic everyday items that work.  Jeans, underwear, hell try finding a XXL swim suit that doesn’t scream FAT GRANDMA, or has a skirt. I was fat not unfashionable.

While on the inside I still feel like part of the club, but my outside doesn’t match.  I have lost a third of my body weight, and with it some of my self awareness. That is hard.

Outside of feeling like I do not belong in my primary social group, there is another unexpected down fall of not being properly prepared for a transformation like this.  I can go into ANY store (even Target, which is well known to run small) pull a M off the rack and it will fit. But I don’t believe it. I look at these shirts and how tiny they are and feel depressed. I’ll bring 3 identical items into the dressing room (yep, I try things on now)  size XL, L and M. The first 2 are always big and I’m always surprised. You would think that would make me happy, instead I start to panic. The same thing happens in my closet I pull out a shirt and it looks TINY!!!! and I think I’m going to have to stretch it out to make it fit, then I put it on and I don’t…. there’s room, nothing is tight and it looks flattering. I should be relieved, but instead I feel fear. I am afraid I’m a fraud, I am afraid of my future, I am afraid that I will fail and the weight will come back. Mostly I’m afraid of the unknown.

All of this is uncharted territory for me, mostly the fear and being skinny.  It’s a brand new world for me I can honestly say I’m enjoying dressing this new body. I am excited that I’m still loosing inches and that I can feel myself getting stronger everyday. I am proud of the muscle I’ve gained, I’m even more proud that my under arms are loosing the flap. That being said, if I’m completely honest, part of me wishes that I could go back, take the easy path and never start this campaign. But I did start and I’m stubborn so I guess my only options are to let go of the fear or get really depressed when I get to size S.

 

Everyone Has Nipples

Memorial Day Weekend, the official start to summer, or as I like to call it the real black Friday. While I agree that I am not like most women my age. IE: Single, Childless and most importantly not actively looking to remedy that situation. There is one thing I have in common with all women. WE ALL HATE SWIM SUIT SHOPPING!!!!!!!

Like many of my comrades in arms, last Saturday I ventured out to find a suitable bathing suit. Like most women I have my body issues. Maybe more than most. I recently under went a transformation, I lost 90lbs. And I lost it rather quickly. While I feel fantastic and I think I look pretty good in my cloths, in varying states of undress, I have to content with the loose skin issue, and the dreaded belly pouch. So while I am still working (hard) on my health and appearance. I defiantly DO NOT look good naked or nearly naked. So swim suit shopping was a long arduous day, filled with lots of humility and some humor, and 3 lucky finds to off set the soul crushing of the day. The bright side of the day wasn’t just the teal stripped DKNY tankini I found, but some serious in sights.

When Did Nipples Go Out of Favor?

I tried on (what seems like) 100s of swim suits. Tankinis, bikinis, one pieces and the one thing they had in common was nipple shields. Removable padding to protect the viewing public from women’s erect nipples??? I understand the concept of protecting your modesty. Ok I really don’t, but I do understand some women being uncomfortable with their own pointy friends being on display. What I can’t understand, is nipple shields in a swim suit, that consists of nothing more than colorful band aides and bright string especially when you need a VERY SPECIFIC type of grooming to pull it off,  yet in the smallest 2 piece I still found them.  What modesty is left to protect, when you’re wearing butt floss in public?

We have taken this whole seamless smooth craze just too far?  Trying to smooth out your bodies natural reaction to cold in a garment designed for maximum exposure is proof enough of that. We are not Barbie and Ken or G.I. Joe if you prefer. Ladies we do not have cones with out tips, gentlemen you do not have pecs without pokeys. If you let them smooth out the nips whats next? Well take the pants off you action figures and you’ll see.

un-Happy Halloween!

So the Compound (my nickname for the Burlington, my apartment complex) is hosting a cutest pet costume photo contest. The winner gets 100$ off of rent. So I dressed Gig up and these are some of the shots I got….Poor dog how can she look so miserable and so cute at the same time.

I lack the Modivation for Self Preservation

My horoscope yesterday read *Open your heart to find a deeper level of love–trust is a worth while risk.* These things are so vague, I wish they would just come out and say who to trust and love, it would make my life so much easier.  Which brings me to todays topic, Do I dare love and trust some one from my past after they have already hurt me?  Or should I  just leave it alone?

Flash black to 1997, I’m tech school.  I don’t think I would have notice him, at least not right away, because back then I was self-absorbed, oblivious and incredibly selfish, but as luck would happen we had a night class together, basic 1st aide and cpr.  I thought he was hot & he made fun of me “the pretty pretentious girl, who had all the answer.  I didn’t like it (maybe I did…a little.)   So I tried to ignore him, but that was impossible, both because of his personality and because my best friend Jenny’s future husband was in the same program as he was.  So over the next couple of months we all hung out together at school &  it went from physical attraction & annoyance to physical attraction, chemistry and growing affection.  To say the least I had it bad.  Then one night close to the end of the semester we all go out, get lit-up , he and I end up on the floor of  a friend’s apartment.  I didn’t see much of him after that, it was like we lost momentum. I graduated and moved Fargo nine months later he calls me.  What was a physical attraction, chemistry and growing affection has grown into perfection (my perfection at least.)  We had the same interest, with enough differences to keep things interesting, we enjoyed each others company, had great phone conversations and the sex was mind-blowing like I said ‘perfection.’  I thought I was being forth right with my feelings, but I now realize I was speaking in girl code and he didn’t have a Rosetta stone for that.  So when he started talking about another woman, it bruised my pride and hurt but instead of telling him or fighting for this great thing we had going, I’m hurt, I shut down and pretend that I don’t care, cause I have my pride…and a broken heart.  That was 12 years ago.

Over the years I have heard bits and pieces about his life, break-ups, engagements, marriage, children and divorces, I always have the ‘correct’ response with the expected affect of carelessness, but I always wonder & recently he found me.

So back to my horoscope * Open your heart to find a deeper level of love–trust is a worth while risk.* It’s funny that right when I was considering backing away from the situation, I get a message from yahoo about opening up, love, risks and trust.  Was it the universe, has it forgiven me?  Are all the stars aligned?  Am I going to get a 2nd chance?  As old feelings start to resurrect, I am left wondering….Should I even consider a man who I once thought was perfect, when he found me wanting?  The question is should I dare to hope?   WHY THE HELL NOT!!!!!!!

An Open Letter to the Men who WANT to date me

Dear Sirs,

I am a 36 year-old chronically single woman, who is good with a blade.  I also hate Liars and Cheats.  Things will go badly if you underestimate me and try to ‘run game.’  What I want to explain is if you try to screw me over, I will take your balls.  Yea I might go to prison for it, but sooner or later I will get out, but you will always be a gelding.  You have been warned hopefully those of you with strong hearts and true intentions will proceed forward

Sincerely with Love

Jennifer L Passmore

Pepsi: Another reason to Hate it

As you know I have been chronicling my search for true love and it’s not going very well.  Well this last guy takes the cake and has prompted me to post an open letter to the men who want to date me.  You see Marcus was married…unknown to me…infact he was a newly wed, and had a bunch of children.  Marcus picked me up in the dollar store, yep classy, I was buying cheap fun stuff for my nieces and nephew, he was delivering Pepsi, yet another reason to hate it.  We chatted and he asked for my number and once he got it, it was on, full court press.  He told me he was divorced, with 2 grown children and was looking for some one to start the second part of his life with and he felt it was me.  He promised a carefree life in the South West, where he would be able to take care of me and all my needs, his favorite phrase was “Don’t worry Baby, I’ve got this covered.”  Being the pragmatic untrusting soul that I am.   I felt that this was too good to be true and started asking around.  Last thursday when he was pouring it out especially thick.  Thank God I was getting my hair done. I asked Kris my stylist if she knew of him and she did very well.  She was the maid of honour in his wedding this past August.  Yep he’d been married 6 weeks and is already looking for wife number 3 :).  So not only did I get to see wedding pictures but she also filled me in on his shady past and all I can say is his poor wife and thank God for Maryann who taught me to trust NO ONE.

So I am posting this open letter to hopefully ward off any cheats, liars and people who want to run game.  I will always be the eternal optimistic romantic, but that doesn’t make me a fool

The New Man

I hate to say this but the ERA has ruined men.  While our mothers and grandmothers spent the 60ies and 70ies daring to break away and educate themselves, get better paying jobs, garnering the respect of future generation of women, the men got stunted.  So while we are reaping the benefits of their struggle (2010 is the first year where women are out earning their male counter parts) we are also experiencing the repercussions.

Starting in the late 70ies there became a sharp rise in single motherhood.  As a daughter raised by a strong single mother, I realized YES!!! I can do it all!!! Educate myself, get a good job support myself and any other tax deductions that come along, and do this all with style and flair and maintain who I am.  I do NOT need a man to complete me and neither did my mom or grandma.  But what about the boys raised in all this pro-woman hoopla?  Well statistic show a decrease in males A.  Graduating college B. Proceeding to post-graduate degrees and C. Qualifying and applying for up-wardly mobile jobs.   My theory borrowed from others, is that these men have spent there whole lives watching strong women getting things done and doing things for their family ei: them, and this has some how stunted their emotional/psychological/ self-awareness growth and we are stuck with generations of white tennis shoe wearing man/children, who have for their whole lives been catered to by their mothers, grandmothers, aunts, sisters and even female cousins and now expect the women they date to do it as well.  It’s like they’ve lost the man gene.

How does this translate into my dating life….NOT WELL!  These new modern men don’t put in any effort and expect all the rewards.  They won’t pick you up, always suggesting that we’ll meet there, they won’t pay for dinner/activities, we’ll go dutch, then it’s not a real date, and they won’t open doors, hold out chairs or treated with the respect a lady deserves, because we are all now equal.  With as little work as these new men do, they expect to be able to roll around naked on top of you, here’s the kicker they actually expect you to initiate that as well, because they DON”T know what to do with a real woman….lazy assholes.  No wonder more and more women are choosing take out, true blood a warm bath and Buzz on a Saturday night.

Here I am a Lush rolling field of feminine sensuality, in the prime of my life and it’s all being WASTED, on guys that won’t talk to you unless they’re drunk, douche bags that think if they treat you poorly that you’ll come a running, or pansy ass guys who are just afraid.  They all need to dust off their testicles and become Men.  If you are any of these guys and you want to meet a real woman then you’ll need to 1. Talk to us 2.  Ask us for our number 3. Use it to ask us out 4. Pick us up on time 5. feed us 6. Entertain us, and if you do all of these things, well and treat us with respect then 7. kiss us and you will be surprised at what could happen

Love in the Frozen Food Section

For this post I have changed names to protect the guilty namely me.  My venture into Puma-hood has been long started.  Let’s consider CB he was a high school senior and I was a college sophomore.  Then BK was 21 to my 25 and then BN 21 to my 30.  I have always liked and attracted to SOME younger men, but recently things have really exploded.

At 32 I had a hysterectomy for cervical cancer.  Sitting at my mom’s house early September recovering from my “ordeal.”  I spent my days swinging on my hammock watching my her shirtless lawn boy, who I was sure, was a 19 year-old college sophomore (yea that’s still young, but legal.)  Imagine how surprised I was when I found out he was 16 and a sophomore in HIGH SCHOOL.  That sent me in the house for the rest of my recovery but it was too late a “predator” was born.

So fast forward 4 years, I’m now 36 and looking for real true love, with an appropriate man.  So last Sunday I was shopping in my local neighborhood Wal-mart where I run into “JB.”  Who could be a friend’s son, nephew, brother….I’m not going to mention how I met him previously, but I am friendly with this 20 year-old boy.  After 20 minutes of me being flirty and him being naughty.  He asks me to go to a BBQ with him that night.  I said that would be great and he should call me later with the details, so he then informed me that he no longer had my number and me being me and feeling super flirty I said “J, how many times am I gonna have to give you my number for you to keep it and use it.”  He had the grace to start blushing when I programmed my number into his phone.  He said I’ll call you, I replied I’d like that but was thinking ‘ya right.’ We said our goodbyes and I finished my shopping.  About 3 hours later my phone rings, it’s “J” and wants me to know that the BBQ starts in roughly 2 hours and if I still lived in the same place, and that he’ll be by to pick me up in an hour.

An hour later he picks me up and he looks GOOD like… cake, and he smells GOOD like… spicy manly cake and from my apartment to his truck I have a hard time remembering that I am old enough to be his mother.  As we are driving to party unknown he mentions stopping at a liquor store and my heart breaks.  So that’s why he wants to take out the “old lady.”  He must have sensed my mood swing or noticed the change in my body language.  “Oh not like that, my friends and I have it covered, I just thought you might want something special.”  I said I had it covered flashed him my flask and we continued on.

Come to find out the party was at the house he shares with 2 roommates, and these kids could throw a party…the grill was smoking, the keg was cold and tapped, the house was cleaned and there was more than one chilled box of wine in the fridge.   The parties we threw in our 20ies sucked, there was a warm keg and some stale chips and we were happy with that.

Through the evening we ate and mingled all the while sending each other heated looks and stolen caresses.  The whole time my mind was screaming NO NO NO, while my body was yelling YES YES YES!  He was the perfect date, when my glass was empty he filled, when I was cold he gave me his coat, he made sure to introduce me to everyone as his date, which had my mind taking the stance of “he’s a child” while my body is convinced “Nope, he’s all man.”  So it’s no wonder that with my warring emotions, the free-flowing cheap wine plus some pulls from my flask that I had gotten tipsy.  Now “J” discovers this when he finds me in his room sprawled across his bed smelling his pillow while have a whole conversation including fits of giggling with myself.  He was a complete and total gentleman and said “I better get you home to sleep this off.”  So he pours me into the truck and drives me home.

By this time I am openly looking at him like he is cake, and he is telling me how he had the most beautiful/sexy/mysterious date and how all of his friends were so jealous, when he showed up with me, a real woman.  I realize that I was purring not only from what he was saying but because he was “petting” my leg.  We pull into my parking space and my mind starts giving herself high fives, cause she thinks she has won and kept our morals intact (ha!)  My body on the other hand is humming with anticipation because she knows that this battle was lost from the first “Hey” in the frozen food section of Wal-mart.  So I am sitting there trying to undo my seat belt when my shy, gentle and respectful date launches himself at me like a little Puma he! he! he!  Not quite the “Mrs. Robinson” seduction scene.  It’s not exactly smooth or adult but here we are making out.  Remember making out when you are in your teens and early 20ies, when it was hot, awkward, messy, passionate and just plain great.  Well that’s how it was!!! There were mouths, limbs lips and tongues everywhere.  I don’t know how we managed to get in my apartment but we did.  Where he keeps commenting on the assets of older woman and I realize that the lack of heat wasn’t me, I just needed a younger man.  This wrestling match/love fest continued in my bedroom for hours before it ends not to it’s “natural fruition,” but damn close and both parties were more than happy with their endings.

After a time I extricate myself from the pile of limbs clean myself up, get dressed and take Gig out for a potty.  At this point my more seasoned partners are getting dressed and coming up with excuses on why they need to go home.  Even guys that you are dating semi-seriously don’t spend the night in your 30ies, it’s like you both spend a good portion of your evening coming up with reasons to sleep in your own bed, than actually enjoying sleeping next to someone who actually cares about you.  So imagine my surprise when I come back in and he’s not getting dressed, but he’s getting back into bed ready to go to sleep.  Huh? “So, you’re going to spend the night?” I asking cause I have no clue on what’s going on and what to do next, this is way outside the realm of 30-year-old dating.  Hearing the hesitation in my voice he asked “Yea, is that alright?”  After I climb into bed, I give him a sweet kiss good night, roll over on my side and as he pulls me in closer to wrap himself around me I finally answer “yea.”

From the mouths of babes

God bless 10-year-old boys!!!  Last week I was on vacation visiting my closest friend from high school Jenny.  One night while sitting around with the fam, Jenny’s 10-year-old son Kyle and his friend Jesse were discussing the girls they like.  Now Kyle likes “D” and I’m always looking for new insights to the male mind, you know that aged doesn’t matter because all men are just over-grown little boys. So I ask “Kyle why do you like ‘D’?” His answer was sooo quick that it had to be honest “cause she’s sporty.”  Ok I am unsure what ‘sporty’ is in a girl, in a car I get, I asked the boy and he informed me that she wears ESPN shorts, always wears a pony tail and plays a ‘real’ sport not cheerleading.  So then I ask Jesse if “A” was a ‘sporty’ girl too and he said “NO she’s girly. You know she wears dresses, on the cheerleading squad, like lip gloss and smells like dessert.  I have sporty girls as friends, but I LIKE girly girls.”  I knew I like that kid!!!!  So this is what I have learned from boy/men, they equate the way you look with what your personality is, and they can figure out what to do by those visual ques.  Except Joe.

I met Joe, 6 years ago, when he worked the door at a nightclub I frequented.  At the time he liked my running mate and since she didn’t reciprocate I spoke to him A LOT.  Now I will admit that your “going out” cloths are different from every day wear and can not be used for visual conformation.  Flash forward 4 years later when we re-meet at his current place of employment…THE MALL!!!!! Now Joe and I have been casually dating on and off for the last 2 years but on that 1st initial re-meet I was wearing a pepto bismal pink halter dress, four-inch heels, smelling like baked goods and eating cotton candy, on a random Wednesday.  So on our 1st date he takes me to the Dairy Queen then a lovely evening stroll along the Red.  I did all of this in a mini dress and heels.  This becomes a pattern for our dates, overly ambitious outings for my outfits, he has taken me to play ball, trekked through the country to go fishing, and many sports bars to watch the latest “Big Game,” all without noticing what I wear and my choices of foot wear. Through this I know that this man is not my Mr. but I do enjoy his company and he makes laugh.  This Thursday I was in the mall wearing a teal halter dress, a cream silk head scarf, 4″ platform wood wedge heels, a pair of matching teal chandelier earings and enough arm bling (bracelet) to make any 15-year-old Disney starlet jealous.  Purchases in hand I am leaving the mall where I run into him.  “Hey, how you doing?”  After 2 years of “dating” me he steps back takes a looong look and says “You’re one of those girly girls.”  Hmmm I didn’t mention he was bright for a reason, but now you know why he’s not my Mr.

Fear and Cellulite

Since I have started this blog not only have I spent time looking for Mr. Soulmate, but I have also spent a considerable amount of time reminiscing about the men who have come and gone from my life.  Which gets me thinking, what if I have already met my Mr. and found him unsuitable.  What if he was one of the “nice, sensitive” guys that I had no ‘chemistry’ with? Or a Dbag that continually stares at my “assets?”  Or the guy that had TOOOO much emotional baggage and drama?  Or the worst possible situation…..We met, went out and he found me unsuitable.  ARRGGG!!!!!  This makes me want to go back to bed and bury my head under the pillows.  But since I have decided to get serious about finding a mate, I guess it’s time to get serious about my relationship fears too.

So nows the time to discuss my top 3 fears

3.  To die old alone surrounded by 100s of cats.  Dying alone doesn’t bother me I’ve actually come to terms with that what scares me is the PET HOARDING! Please, Please, Please if you hear of me getting a 4th cat, dog, bird or what ever hold an intervention.

2.  What if everyone is right and pretty doesn’t matter.   If this is true then I am SOOOO SCREWED.  You see I am counting on this face to take the sting off of the fact that I’m not very nice and socially awkward.  So if looks don’t matter, I’m gonna have to work on getting a personality, and I am too old for that.

1.  REJECTION: No one likes it.  As a woman I tend to over analyze it, and everyone should respect it.  Rejection is the great equilizer…..No man is immune, rich/poor, beautiful/ugly, mean/nice every one has been hurt by rejection.  My deal isn’t the immediate rejection it’s the what-if rejection.  “What-if” in 5, 10 even 20 years from now, after giving him my love, trust and respect, and he gets tired of those gifts and leaves.  That’s the rejection I wouldn’t be able to take.

So now that all my”closet monsters” have seen the light of day, they don’t seen that scary.  They are quite mundane and most are easily fixed, with a good dose of common sense (yes, I have some) self-esteem and faith.  Now with all the energy I am saving by not concentrating on my fears, I’m gonna take on the important stuf….Cellulite and Varicose veins.