Love in the Frozen Food Section

For this post I have changed names to protect the guilty namely me.  My venture into Puma-hood has been long started.  Let’s consider CB he was a high school senior and I was a college sophomore.  Then BK was 21 to my 25 and then BN 21 to my 30.  I have always liked and attracted to SOME younger men, but recently things have really exploded.

At 32 I had a hysterectomy for cervical cancer.  Sitting at my mom’s house early September recovering from my “ordeal.”  I spent my days swinging on my hammock watching my her shirtless lawn boy, who I was sure, was a 19 year-old college sophomore (yea that’s still young, but legal.)  Imagine how surprised I was when I found out he was 16 and a sophomore in HIGH SCHOOL.  That sent me in the house for the rest of my recovery but it was too late a “predator” was born.

So fast forward 4 years, I’m now 36 and looking for real true love, with an appropriate man.  So last Sunday I was shopping in my local neighborhood Wal-mart where I run into “JB.”  Who could be a friend’s son, nephew, brother….I’m not going to mention how I met him previously, but I am friendly with this 20 year-old boy.  After 20 minutes of me being flirty and him being naughty.  He asks me to go to a BBQ with him that night.  I said that would be great and he should call me later with the details, so he then informed me that he no longer had my number and me being me and feeling super flirty I said “J, how many times am I gonna have to give you my number for you to keep it and use it.”  He had the grace to start blushing when I programmed my number into his phone.  He said I’ll call you, I replied I’d like that but was thinking ‘ya right.’ We said our goodbyes and I finished my shopping.  About 3 hours later my phone rings, it’s “J” and wants me to know that the BBQ starts in roughly 2 hours and if I still lived in the same place, and that he’ll be by to pick me up in an hour.

An hour later he picks me up and he looks GOOD like… cake, and he smells GOOD like… spicy manly cake and from my apartment to his truck I have a hard time remembering that I am old enough to be his mother.  As we are driving to party unknown he mentions stopping at a liquor store and my heart breaks.  So that’s why he wants to take out the “old lady.”  He must have sensed my mood swing or noticed the change in my body language.  “Oh not like that, my friends and I have it covered, I just thought you might want something special.”  I said I had it covered flashed him my flask and we continued on.

Come to find out the party was at the house he shares with 2 roommates, and these kids could throw a party…the grill was smoking, the keg was cold and tapped, the house was cleaned and there was more than one chilled box of wine in the fridge.   The parties we threw in our 20ies sucked, there was a warm keg and some stale chips and we were happy with that.

Through the evening we ate and mingled all the while sending each other heated looks and stolen caresses.  The whole time my mind was screaming NO NO NO, while my body was yelling YES YES YES!  He was the perfect date, when my glass was empty he filled, when I was cold he gave me his coat, he made sure to introduce me to everyone as his date, which had my mind taking the stance of “he’s a child” while my body is convinced “Nope, he’s all man.”  So it’s no wonder that with my warring emotions, the free-flowing cheap wine plus some pulls from my flask that I had gotten tipsy.  Now “J” discovers this when he finds me in his room sprawled across his bed smelling his pillow while have a whole conversation including fits of giggling with myself.  He was a complete and total gentleman and said “I better get you home to sleep this off.”  So he pours me into the truck and drives me home.

By this time I am openly looking at him like he is cake, and he is telling me how he had the most beautiful/sexy/mysterious date and how all of his friends were so jealous, when he showed up with me, a real woman.  I realize that I was purring not only from what he was saying but because he was “petting” my leg.  We pull into my parking space and my mind starts giving herself high fives, cause she thinks she has won and kept our morals intact (ha!)  My body on the other hand is humming with anticipation because she knows that this battle was lost from the first “Hey” in the frozen food section of Wal-mart.  So I am sitting there trying to undo my seat belt when my shy, gentle and respectful date launches himself at me like a little Puma he! he! he!  Not quite the “Mrs. Robinson” seduction scene.  It’s not exactly smooth or adult but here we are making out.  Remember making out when you are in your teens and early 20ies, when it was hot, awkward, messy, passionate and just plain great.  Well that’s how it was!!! There were mouths, limbs lips and tongues everywhere.  I don’t know how we managed to get in my apartment but we did.  Where he keeps commenting on the assets of older woman and I realize that the lack of heat wasn’t me, I just needed a younger man.  This wrestling match/love fest continued in my bedroom for hours before it ends not to it’s “natural fruition,” but damn close and both parties were more than happy with their endings.

After a time I extricate myself from the pile of limbs clean myself up, get dressed and take Gig out for a potty.  At this point my more seasoned partners are getting dressed and coming up with excuses on why they need to go home.  Even guys that you are dating semi-seriously don’t spend the night in your 30ies, it’s like you both spend a good portion of your evening coming up with reasons to sleep in your own bed, than actually enjoying sleeping next to someone who actually cares about you.  So imagine my surprise when I come back in and he’s not getting dressed, but he’s getting back into bed ready to go to sleep.  Huh? “So, you’re going to spend the night?” I asking cause I have no clue on what’s going on and what to do next, this is way outside the realm of 30-year-old dating.  Hearing the hesitation in my voice he asked “Yea, is that alright?”  After I climb into bed, I give him a sweet kiss good night, roll over on my side and as he pulls me in closer to wrap himself around me I finally answer “yea.”

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From the mouths of babes

God bless 10-year-old boys!!!  Last week I was on vacation visiting my closest friend from high school Jenny.  One night while sitting around with the fam, Jenny’s 10-year-old son Kyle and his friend Jesse were discussing the girls they like.  Now Kyle likes “D” and I’m always looking for new insights to the male mind, you know that aged doesn’t matter because all men are just over-grown little boys. So I ask “Kyle why do you like ‘D’?” His answer was sooo quick that it had to be honest “cause she’s sporty.”  Ok I am unsure what ‘sporty’ is in a girl, in a car I get, I asked the boy and he informed me that she wears ESPN shorts, always wears a pony tail and plays a ‘real’ sport not cheerleading.  So then I ask Jesse if “A” was a ‘sporty’ girl too and he said “NO she’s girly. You know she wears dresses, on the cheerleading squad, like lip gloss and smells like dessert.  I have sporty girls as friends, but I LIKE girly girls.”  I knew I like that kid!!!!  So this is what I have learned from boy/men, they equate the way you look with what your personality is, and they can figure out what to do by those visual ques.  Except Joe.

I met Joe, 6 years ago, when he worked the door at a nightclub I frequented.  At the time he liked my running mate and since she didn’t reciprocate I spoke to him A LOT.  Now I will admit that your “going out” cloths are different from every day wear and can not be used for visual conformation.  Flash forward 4 years later when we re-meet at his current place of employment…THE MALL!!!!! Now Joe and I have been casually dating on and off for the last 2 years but on that 1st initial re-meet I was wearing a pepto bismal pink halter dress, four-inch heels, smelling like baked goods and eating cotton candy, on a random Wednesday.  So on our 1st date he takes me to the Dairy Queen then a lovely evening stroll along the Red.  I did all of this in a mini dress and heels.  This becomes a pattern for our dates, overly ambitious outings for my outfits, he has taken me to play ball, trekked through the country to go fishing, and many sports bars to watch the latest “Big Game,” all without noticing what I wear and my choices of foot wear. Through this I know that this man is not my Mr. but I do enjoy his company and he makes laugh.  This Thursday I was in the mall wearing a teal halter dress, a cream silk head scarf, 4″ platform wood wedge heels, a pair of matching teal chandelier earings and enough arm bling (bracelet) to make any 15-year-old Disney starlet jealous.  Purchases in hand I am leaving the mall where I run into him.  “Hey, how you doing?”  After 2 years of “dating” me he steps back takes a looong look and says “You’re one of those girly girls.”  Hmmm I didn’t mention he was bright for a reason, but now you know why he’s not my Mr.

Fear and Cellulite

Since I have started this blog not only have I spent time looking for Mr. Soulmate, but I have also spent a considerable amount of time reminiscing about the men who have come and gone from my life.  Which gets me thinking, what if I have already met my Mr. and found him unsuitable.  What if he was one of the “nice, sensitive” guys that I had no ‘chemistry’ with? Or a Dbag that continually stares at my “assets?”  Or the guy that had TOOOO much emotional baggage and drama?  Or the worst possible situation…..We met, went out and he found me unsuitable.  ARRGGG!!!!!  This makes me want to go back to bed and bury my head under the pillows.  But since I have decided to get serious about finding a mate, I guess it’s time to get serious about my relationship fears too.

So nows the time to discuss my top 3 fears

3.  To die old alone surrounded by 100s of cats.  Dying alone doesn’t bother me I’ve actually come to terms with that what scares me is the PET HOARDING! Please, Please, Please if you hear of me getting a 4th cat, dog, bird or what ever hold an intervention.

2.  What if everyone is right and pretty doesn’t matter.   If this is true then I am SOOOO SCREWED.  You see I am counting on this face to take the sting off of the fact that I’m not very nice and socially awkward.  So if looks don’t matter, I’m gonna have to work on getting a personality, and I am too old for that.

1.  REJECTION: No one likes it.  As a woman I tend to over analyze it, and everyone should respect it.  Rejection is the great equilizer…..No man is immune, rich/poor, beautiful/ugly, mean/nice every one has been hurt by rejection.  My deal isn’t the immediate rejection it’s the what-if rejection.  “What-if” in 5, 10 even 20 years from now, after giving him my love, trust and respect, and he gets tired of those gifts and leaves.  That’s the rejection I wouldn’t be able to take.

So now that all my”closet monsters” have seen the light of day, they don’t seen that scary.  They are quite mundane and most are easily fixed, with a good dose of common sense (yes, I have some) self-esteem and faith.  Now with all the energy I am saving by not concentrating on my fears, I’m gonna take on the important stuf….Cellulite and Varicose veins.

Coke Please

As you all know the purpose of this blog is to chronicle my search for Mr. Soulmate.  So far I have been man less and dateless.  Well today that’s about to change I met an actual man.

Last Tuesday April 27 2010 was my day off.  I had to drive to Mayville ND to meet my mom and pick up my dog that she watched over the weekend because of my call/work schedule.

On my way out-of-town I stopped at my neighborhood Stamart for gas and provisions.  As I’m walking by the pop corn machine I stick my hand in and grab some corn, normal occurence for me, and start munching while I am walking toward the soda cooler.  I hear this masculine voice say “You know that’s not sanitary.” I turn around to find a 6 ft, dark-haired, relatively handsome, ringless, coke man talking to me.  I step in closer and whisper to him “Here’s a secret this is a gas station…nothing is sanitary” give him a cheeky grin and continue my walk towards the cooler.  Roughly 5 to 10 minutes later while I am digging out 20 oz bottles of coke from the back of the cooler I hear the same voice ask “what are you doing?” like I was purposely trying to aggravate him.  As calmly as I could I told him I was looking for the freshest coke and did he have any on his pallet? I knew he was confused by the way he kept looking at my pile of cokes on the floor and said “but those are cold and these are warm.” So I had to explain that A. Fresh cokes taste better  B. That machine over there dispenses ice and cups and C. If you pour warm coke into an ice filled cup the coke will get cold. That’s the point where he asked me if I used sarcasm much, and I laughed and then he did too.  After I explained to him my theory about the cokes with the farthest expiration date are the most recently bottled and taste better, he helped me put away the majority of my pile. We continued to chat exchanged names, I had already figured his out cause it’s stitched on his shirt he he he, then I realized I had been in the station for 45 min, I still had to pay for my purchases and drive to Mayville in an 1/2 an hour, he said I would never make it and I said “wanna bet.”  I said goodbye it was nice meeting you and walked toward the till, when he calls out “Jenn, what do you do?”  I turn around, drop my voice 1/2 a octave, to the sexy level, throw my most provocative smile at him and say “I operate” turn back around and walk away swishing my hips.  I pay for my stuff walk out side and he’s waiting for me, says that he shouldn’t be doing this on the clock but could he have my number.  I programme it in his ‘Palm’ and said “I’m really late, I have to go, I’ll talk to ya later….Bye!!” Didn’t this all sound great, I thought so… well he didn’t call.

I DO NOT read self-help books, but I have read several time “he’s just not the into you.” I try to live my dating life by that philosophy. So if a man doesn’t call you with-in 48 hrs of getting your number he won’t, in fact he probably knew that when he was asking for it, and continued the charade just for the ego boost.  Yep just another way men suck…  So you are wondering how to tell if a man really wants your number to call you?  Well if I knew that I would have never given my number to ‘Coke Boy.’

Fast forward to Monday May 3 2010.  I’m in my neighborhood Stamart, rifling through the cooler for fresh cokes.  When I turn around and find Paul standing there.  I smile at him and say “hey” in a friendly, non-confrontational or judgmental tone.  He then blurts out “I was gonna call you but I lost your number.”  Yea I was well prepared by the book for this line of bull feces “Well I programmed it into your Palm under Jenn Passmore.” Same tone as above and all that niceness must have dazed him cause it took a moment before he realized he’d been caught.  I was walking away, did not re-issue my number when he sheepishly asked “Jenn, what do you really do?” I told him the truth, I am a Surgical Technologist at the big hospital in town.  “So you really do operate?”and all I could say to that was “In more was than one.”  I smiled, walked away and he called on Tuesday night.  Too bad after all this I’m not that into him

Independance Day

I ran in to JK an old lover today. We both had some time so we decided to sit down have a chat and once again enjoy each other’s company.  NOT like that he’s happily married with children and as we know I’m searching for a husband of my own.  After getting all the niceties out of the way I mentioned my quest for true love and my lack of luck.  Since viewing our relationship as one of my more successful (since 1. no one has any knife wounds, 2. no one cries, faints or runs off screaming in the opposite direction on chance meetings 3. there are no restraining orders and 4. no one moved off continent to avoid the other….yes these all have happened to me.)  What was missing from our past that prevented us from reaching a future. His answer wasn’t what I expected. “Jenny in the 2 years we were together I would have gladly proclaimed you were my soul mate.  In fact I routinely think of you as the one that got away.”  I was having such a awwwe moment that I didn’t see he was about to ‘drop the bomb.’ “The reason the 2 of us didn’t make it was…your independence.”  SCREECH!!!!!  Halt…. WTF, back up a moment and shut the front door, I blamed our breakup on my bipolar disorder and the perpetual craziness, but this was a shocker.  He continues on almost apologetically, like the perceived truth will sting less if whispered.  “Your self-reliance boarders on arrogance.  You do everything thing for yourself, by yourself, you keep your own secretes, listen to your own counsel and you need no one. In the 2 years we were together you never asked me for anything, you never leaned on me for support and you never unburdened yourself to me.  So I finally realized you didn’t trust me with your own thought and you didn’t need me for anything and you were okay with that.  As a man and a mate I wasn’t, we (men) have a biological need to prove our ability to shelter and provide and your unyielding independance never allowed for that.” WOW!!!! Holy crap….I have never had such and honest conversation with a man who wasn’t my therapist.  All I can say is he is completely right, I am a self-contained unit, who likes to keep things close. So by the time we said goodbye I was crying, not because he hurt my feelings but because I realized what a GIGANTIC bitch I had been and I was ashamed, so I apologized and thanked him for the insight and promised that I would put this lesson to good use.

Everything I learned about men I learned from my older brother Mike. He told me guys like girls who do everything for themselves, pick up the check and don’t talk a lot.  So for the last 30+ years I have been operating under those guidelines.  I’m beginning to wonder if his theories might be flawed.  I realize today that just because I am capable, I can be softer and let some-one do for me.

Money Matters?????

Earlier this week I was sitting around with some girlfriends discussing possible candidates for my future husband.  When it was brought to my attention that a gentleman of our mutual acquaintance might have a crush on me:).  He’s an educated professional, who is extremely nice and very charming and he happens to make MORE money than I do.  I know it’s a faux pas to talk about money especially in dating but some times you have to go there.

The simple matter is I DO NOT find money attractive.  Yes I like money, I also need more money than I have, but dating and mating a man just for his money is repugnant.  I have dated men who are cash rich and men who are cash poor and have enjoyed my time with most of them.  That being said there are traits that both groups have in common making it easy for me to generalize.

Most of the men I’ve dated with money have been older and have tried to impress me with money, what it can buy and the ‘sophistication’ in brings…We all know Britney Spears has more money than well….God, and she is über sophisticated, and should I even mention Nick Cage? But these men end up treating me like my older brother Micheal, a mongoloid little girl who can’t cut her own meat and has never been off the farm.  I know that in the world of older affluent men and younger pretty woman, that is the norm, but in reality I am a well read, well-travelled, refined, charming and cultured woman and would like to be seen and treated as one.

It’s not that I find being broke sexy, cause it’s not!!!!  Being poor sucks, not enough money for extravagant shoes. It seems that men of modest means put a little more effort into impressing you with what they got, their personalities, feats of strength and charm.  Yea they might have to use a coupon to cover the cost of dinner, but he’s more likely to listen, get to know you and enjoy your company.  Then using all this information to make the next date still simple but more special.

Then there are the douche bags and the posers.  I have dated enough of those that I can smell them across the room.  These are the guys who pretend that they either have money and don’t, or that they don’t have money and they do.  Either way they drive Escalades. These men are liars and they are damaged!!!! RUN fast and far if you meet them, they will only suck you down the rabbit hole with them. And you’ll end up, waking up cold, alone, huge in a land you don’t understand paying his bills.

Back to my crush-or, does this mean I won’t go out with him if he ever asks me???? No, he has other qualities that can make me over look his largesse.  He’s intellectually stimulating and gives good conversation which is great since he reminds me of a garden gnome, he’s also funny, smart and charming.  Let’s just hope if we ever go out he pays for dinner with a coupon:).