Taking the Easy Path….

Many of you know how hard I have worked and continuing to work on my campaign. What none of you know is how freaked out I am about all of this.  For the longest time I could walk into a clothing store, pull sometime off the rack & just know by looking at it, if it would work.  There is a comfort to knowing your body so well that you don’t need to try anything on.

At a size 18 I knew that I was wonderful. Smart, funny and Dead Sexy……Men wanted me and women wanted to be me. I was a Big, Beautiful, Brown girl and the world was my oyster. Now I’m kinda having an identity crisis. I haven’t forgotten that I’m Jenn Passmore BRONZE GODDESS. It’s that I’m no longer a ‘Big Girl.’  I no longer belong to that club, BBW.  It was a fantastic being a member. The world has just started opening up for plus size ladies, we have our own boutiques, our own magazines, role models who celebrated our healthy bodies, and all the curves and swerves that went with it.  Not to mention there is a healthy following of smart, good looking successful men who like a chunky girl, REALLY!!! Plus size porn is a multi-million dollar genre.  Beyond that there is a special camaraderie between us girls. A true sisterhood, we all know the struggle of trying to find basic everyday items that work.  Jeans, underwear, hell try finding a XXL swim suit that doesn’t scream FAT GRANDMA, or has a skirt. I was fat not unfashionable.

While on the inside I still feel like part of the club, but my outside doesn’t match.  I have lost a third of my body weight, and with it some of my self awareness. That is hard.

Outside of feeling like I do not belong in my primary social group, there is another unexpected down fall of not being properly prepared for a transformation like this.  I can go into ANY store (even Target, which is well known to run small) pull a M off the rack and it will fit. But I don’t believe it. I look at these shirts and how tiny they are and feel depressed. I’ll bring 3 identical items into the dressing room (yep, I try things on now)  size XL, L and M. The first 2 are always big and I’m always surprised. You would think that would make me happy, instead I start to panic. The same thing happens in my closet I pull out a shirt and it looks TINY!!!! and I think I’m going to have to stretch it out to make it fit, then I put it on and I don’t…. there’s room, nothing is tight and it looks flattering. I should be relieved, but instead I feel fear. I am afraid I’m a fraud, I am afraid of my future, I am afraid that I will fail and the weight will come back. Mostly I’m afraid of the unknown.

All of this is uncharted territory for me, mostly the fear and being skinny.  It’s a brand new world for me I can honestly say I’m enjoying dressing this new body. I am excited that I’m still loosing inches and that I can feel myself getting stronger everyday. I am proud of the muscle I’ve gained, I’m even more proud that my under arms are loosing the flap. That being said, if I’m completely honest, part of me wishes that I could go back, take the easy path and never start this campaign. But I did start and I’m stubborn so I guess my only options are to let go of the fear or get really depressed when I get to size S.

 

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