Taking the Easy Path….

Many of you know how hard I have worked and continuing to work on my campaign. What none of you know is how freaked out I am about all of this.  For the longest time I could walk into a clothing store, pull sometime off the rack & just know by looking at it, if it would work.  There is a comfort to knowing your body so well that you don’t need to try anything on.

At a size 18 I knew that I was wonderful. Smart, funny and Dead Sexy……Men wanted me and women wanted to be me. I was a Big, Beautiful, Brown girl and the world was my oyster. Now I’m kinda having an identity crisis. I haven’t forgotten that I’m Jenn Passmore BRONZE GODDESS. It’s that I’m no longer a ‘Big Girl.’  I no longer belong to that club, BBW.  It was a fantastic being a member. The world has just started opening up for plus size ladies, we have our own boutiques, our own magazines, role models who celebrated our healthy bodies, and all the curves and swerves that went with it.  Not to mention there is a healthy following of smart, good looking successful men who like a chunky girl, REALLY!!! Plus size porn is a multi-million dollar genre.  Beyond that there is a special camaraderie between us girls. A true sisterhood, we all know the struggle of trying to find basic everyday items that work.  Jeans, underwear, hell try finding a XXL swim suit that doesn’t scream FAT GRANDMA, or has a skirt. I was fat not unfashionable.

While on the inside I still feel like part of the club, but my outside doesn’t match.  I have lost a third of my body weight, and with it some of my self awareness. That is hard.

Outside of feeling like I do not belong in my primary social group, there is another unexpected down fall of not being properly prepared for a transformation like this.  I can go into ANY store (even Target, which is well known to run small) pull a M off the rack and it will fit. But I don’t believe it. I look at these shirts and how tiny they are and feel depressed. I’ll bring 3 identical items into the dressing room (yep, I try things on now)  size XL, L and M. The first 2 are always big and I’m always surprised. You would think that would make me happy, instead I start to panic. The same thing happens in my closet I pull out a shirt and it looks TINY!!!! and I think I’m going to have to stretch it out to make it fit, then I put it on and I don’t…. there’s room, nothing is tight and it looks flattering. I should be relieved, but instead I feel fear. I am afraid I’m a fraud, I am afraid of my future, I am afraid that I will fail and the weight will come back. Mostly I’m afraid of the unknown.

All of this is uncharted territory for me, mostly the fear and being skinny.  It’s a brand new world for me I can honestly say I’m enjoying dressing this new body. I am excited that I’m still loosing inches and that I can feel myself getting stronger everyday. I am proud of the muscle I’ve gained, I’m even more proud that my under arms are loosing the flap. That being said, if I’m completely honest, part of me wishes that I could go back, take the easy path and never start this campaign. But I did start and I’m stubborn so I guess my only options are to let go of the fear or get really depressed when I get to size S.

 

Everyone Has Nipples

Memorial Day Weekend, the official start to summer, or as I like to call it the real black Friday. While I agree that I am not like most women my age. IE: Single, Childless and most importantly not actively looking to remedy that situation. There is one thing I have in common with all women. WE ALL HATE SWIM SUIT SHOPPING!!!!!!!

Like many of my comrades in arms, last Saturday I ventured out to find a suitable bathing suit. Like most women I have my body issues. Maybe more than most. I recently under went a transformation, I lost 90lbs. And I lost it rather quickly. While I feel fantastic and I think I look pretty good in my cloths, in varying states of undress, I have to content with the loose skin issue, and the dreaded belly pouch. So while I am still working (hard) on my health and appearance. I defiantly DO NOT look good naked or nearly naked. So swim suit shopping was a long arduous day, filled with lots of humility and some humor, and 3 lucky finds to off set the soul crushing of the day. 20140526-220120-79280934.jpg The bright side of the day wasn’t just the teal stripped DKNY tankini I found, but some serious in sights.

When Did Nipples Go Out of Favor?

I tried on (what seems like) 100s of swim suits. Tankinis, bikinis, one pieces and the one thing they had in common was nipple shields. Removable padding to protect the viewing public from women’s erect nipples??? I understand the concept of protecting your modesty. Ok I really don’t, but I do understand some women being uncomfortable with their own pointy friends being on display. What I can’t understand, is nipple shields in a swim suit, that consists of nothing more than colorful band aides and bright string especially when you need a VERY SPECIFIC type of grooming to pull it off,  yet in the smallest 2 piece I still found them.  What modesty is left to protect, when you’re wearing butt floss in public?

We have taken this whole seamless smooth craze just too far?  Trying to smooth out your bodies natural reaction to cold in a garment designed for maximum exposure is proof enough of that. We are not Barbie and Ken or G.I. Joe if you prefer. Ladies we do not have cones with out tips, gentlemen you do not have pecs without pokeys. If you let them smooth out the nips whats next? Well take the pants off you action figures and you’ll see.

un-Happy Halloween!

So the Compound (my nickname for the Burlington, my apartment complex) is hosting a cutest pet costume photo contest. The winner gets 100$ off of rent. So I dressed Gig up and these are some of the shots I got….Poor dog how can she look so miserable and so cute at the same time.

I lack the Modivation for Self Preservation

My horoscope yesterday read *Open your heart to find a deeper level of love–trust is a worth while risk.* These things are so vague, I wish they would just come out and say who to trust and love, it would make my life so much easier.  Which brings me to todays topic, Do I dare love and trust some one from my past after they have already hurt me?  Or should I  just leave it alone?

Flash black to 1997, I’m tech school.  I don’t think I would have notice him, at least not right away, because back then I was self-absorbed, oblivious and incredibly selfish, but as luck would happen we had a night class together, basic 1st aide and cpr.  I thought he was hot & he made fun of me “the pretty pretentious girl, who had all the answer.  I didn’t like it (maybe I did…a little.)   So I tried to ignore him, but that was impossible, both because of his personality and because my best friend Jenny’s future husband was in the same program as he was.  So over the next couple of months we all hung out together at school &  it went from physical attraction & annoyance to physical attraction, chemistry and growing affection.  To say the least I had it bad.  Then one night close to the end of the semester we all go out, get lit-up , he and I end up on the floor of  a friend’s apartment.  I didn’t see much of him after that, it was like we lost momentum. I graduated and moved Fargo nine months later he calls me.  What was a physical attraction, chemistry and growing affection has grown into perfection (my perfection at least.)  We had the same interest, with enough differences to keep things interesting, we enjoyed each others company, had great phone conversations and the sex was mind-blowing like I said ‘perfection.’  I thought I was being forth right with my feelings, but I now realize I was speaking in girl code and he didn’t have a Rosetta stone for that.  So when he started talking about another woman, it bruised my pride and hurt but instead of telling him or fighting for this great thing we had going, I’m hurt, I shut down and pretend that I don’t care, cause I have my pride…and a broken heart.  That was 12 years ago.

Over the years I have heard bits and pieces about his life, break-ups, engagements, marriage, children and divorces, I always have the ‘correct’ response with the expected affect of carelessness, but I always wonder & recently he found me.

So back to my horoscope * Open your heart to find a deeper level of love–trust is a worth while risk.* It’s funny that right when I was considering backing away from the situation, I get a message from yahoo about opening up, love, risks and trust.  Was it the universe, has it forgiven me?  Are all the stars aligned?  Am I going to get a 2nd chance?  As old feelings start to resurrect, I am left wondering….Should I even consider a man who I once thought was perfect, when he found me wanting?  The question is should I dare to hope?   WHY THE HELL NOT!!!!!!!

An Open Letter to the Men who WANT to date me

Dear Sirs,

I am a 36 year-old chronically single woman, who is good with a blade.  I also hate Liars and Cheats.  Things will go badly if you underestimate me and try to ‘run game.’  What I want to explain is if you try to screw me over, I will take your balls.  Yea I might go to prison for it, but sooner or later I will get out, but you will always be a gelding.  You have been warned hopefully those of you with strong hearts and true intentions will proceed forward

Sincerely with Love

Jennifer L Passmore

Pepsi: Another reason to Hate it

As you know I have been chronicling my search for true love and it’s not going very well.  Well this last guy takes the cake and has prompted me to post an open letter to the men who want to date me.  You see Marcus was married…unknown to me…infact he was a newly wed, and had a bunch of children.  Marcus picked me up in the dollar store, yep classy, I was buying cheap fun stuff for my nieces and nephew, he was delivering Pepsi, yet another reason to hate it.  We chatted and he asked for my number and once he got it, it was on, full court press.  He told me he was divorced, with 2 grown children and was looking for some one to start the second part of his life with and he felt it was me.  He promised a carefree life in the South West, where he would be able to take care of me and all my needs, his favorite phrase was “Don’t worry Baby, I’ve got this covered.”  Being the pragmatic untrusting soul that I am.   I felt that this was too good to be true and started asking around.  Last thursday when he was pouring it out especially thick.  Thank God I was getting my hair done. I asked Kris my stylist if she knew of him and she did very well.  She was the maid of honour in his wedding this past August.  Yep he’d been married 6 weeks and is already looking for wife number 3 :).  So not only did I get to see wedding pictures but she also filled me in on his shady past and all I can say is his poor wife and thank God for Maryann who taught me to trust NO ONE.

So I am posting this open letter to hopefully ward off any cheats, liars and people who want to run game.  I will always be the eternal optimistic romantic, but that doesn’t make me a fool

The New Man

I hate to say this but the ERA has ruined men.  While our mothers and grandmothers spent the 60ies and 70ies daring to break away and educate themselves, get better paying jobs, garnering the respect of future generation of women, the men got stunted.  So while we are reaping the benefits of their struggle (2010 is the first year where women are out earning their male counter parts) we are also experiencing the repercussions.

Starting in the late 70ies there became a sharp rise in single motherhood.  As a daughter raised by a strong single mother, I realized YES!!! I can do it all!!! Educate myself, get a good job support myself and any other tax deductions that come along, and do this all with style and flair and maintain who I am.  I do NOT need a man to complete me and neither did my mom or grandma.  But what about the boys raised in all this pro-woman hoopla?  Well statistic show a decrease in males A.  Graduating college B. Proceeding to post-graduate degrees and C. Qualifying and applying for up-wardly mobile jobs.   My theory borrowed from others, is that these men have spent there whole lives watching strong women getting things done and doing things for their family ei: them, and this has some how stunted their emotional/psychological/ self-awareness growth and we are stuck with generations of white tennis shoe wearing man/children, who have for their whole lives been catered to by their mothers, grandmothers, aunts, sisters and even female cousins and now expect the women they date to do it as well.  It’s like they’ve lost the man gene.

How does this translate into my dating life….NOT WELL!  These new modern men don’t put in any effort and expect all the rewards.  They won’t pick you up, always suggesting that we’ll meet there, they won’t pay for dinner/activities, we’ll go dutch, then it’s not a real date, and they won’t open doors, hold out chairs or treated with the respect a lady deserves, because we are all now equal.  With as little work as these new men do, they expect to be able to roll around naked on top of you, here’s the kicker they actually expect you to initiate that as well, because they DON”T know what to do with a real woman….lazy assholes.  No wonder more and more women are choosing take out, true blood a warm bath and Buzz on a Saturday night.

Here I am a Lush rolling field of feminine sensuality, in the prime of my life and it’s all being WASTED, on guys that won’t talk to you unless they’re drunk, douche bags that think if they treat you poorly that you’ll come a running, or pansy ass guys who are just afraid.  They all need to dust off their testicles and become Men.  If you are any of these guys and you want to meet a real woman then you’ll need to 1. Talk to us 2.  Ask us for our number 3. Use it to ask us out 4. Pick us up on time 5. feed us 6. Entertain us, and if you do all of these things, well and treat us with respect then 7. kiss us and you will be surprised at what could happen